


shimmer

by terushimayuujis



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts/Actions, i put a lot of my personal feelings into this, so sorry if it's bad, vague- you can choose who's pov it's from, written with matsuhana in mind but really this an work for any pairing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 01:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9855773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terushimayuujis/pseuds/terushimayuujis
Summary: it's the little things that get to you.[he shines as bright as the constellations]





	

**Author's Note:**

> so the first serious work i'm gonna put up here on the good ol ao3
> 
> again, i apologize if it's bad or if some parts don't make sense. i wasn't really thinking about much when writing this- sort of just a word vomit that i edited. i put a lot of my personal feelings into this a few months ago when i was feeling particularly down and i think i'm good enough now to put this up- i meant to post this a while back but i'm scared honestly :')
> 
> it's also 3 in the morning and i'm prone to bad decision making around this time so -painful inhale- let's see how this goes
> 
> constructive criticism is great, please leave some if you feel like it

Maybe he should notice it through the music blaring from his phone, audible though he's got earbuds stuffed tightly in his ears:

"I begin to assemble what weapons I can find,  
"'Cause sometimes to stay alive you've gotta kill your mind."

"I've been thinking too much,  
"Help me."

"My skin will scream reminding me of who I killed inside my dreams I hate this car that I'm driving there's no escape for me-  
"I'm forced to deal with what I feel. There is no distraction to mask what is real."

The self deprecating, the suicidal jokes he makes:

"I have math next, fucking kill me, ugh."

"I hate myself! How the hell did I manage to fuck _that_ up?"

"It's okay, I've done way worse and probably still would. You're doing great compared to me."

By the time he's pale, thin, whittled away by the harsh reality of 'truly living', he's starting to crumble to dust.

"Please, hold on. We need you. There's nobody in this world who could _ever_ replace you, so please, just a little longer, and I swear it'll all get better."

"I don't think you understand. I'm doing this because I'm not good enough. I never _have_ been. What the hell is the point anymore if all I'm gonna do is constantly screw up?"

"Making lots of mistakes means you have opportunities to fix them, and yes, I quoted Mega Mind. Just look at yourself and see that you're- you're _essential_ to this world and every second I lived on this planet without you here would fuck me up beyond anything else you or I could possibly conjure up in our messed up heads, so listen up, I'm not giving up on you, so you better not either."

Crumbling, too close for comfort. Reforming, little by little, fragile, as if the next gust of wind could blow him away and make it impossible for him to be reconstructed ever again.

"Please, please, _please don't do this_."

"I'm scared, in all honesty. I don't know what to do- I don't want to live but I don't want to die, is there something wrong with my head? I'm so scared. What am I supposed to do? Rot, empty headed? Going nowhere in life but the lowest, the rock bottom beneath rock bottom, where I crash and burn? I can't do this, but I can't do.. _this_ either. I-I- how the fuck did I get so messed up?"

"You've got fight in you. I believe. So put down that razor blade and get out of the bathroom. You're not meant to end your journey here- after all, nobody said it was easy. Keep your damn head up, or I'll grab your chin and force it to look at the stars, just so I can show you you _are_ capable of dreaming, just like the rest of us. I'll make you choose a constellation, and your reason to stay will be to look for it every night, and think: 'Maybe that one's the Big Dipper they're always talking about?' 'What if that one was Orion?' Maybe it'll get repetitive. But who else will search the stars for that bunch of shimmering light in the dark ink of the night sky if not you? Stay a little longer. I'll show you all the stars in the sky, and gift them all to you."

He's getting stronger by the day. A little less pale. A little more weight. A little more twinkle in his eyes. A little more sincerity in his smile.

"..maybe you were right."

"Hmm? About what?"

"Maybe.. just maybe.. staying was the best decision I could've made."

"I sure as hell think so."

And maybe some days he fell back into routine, habit. Withdrawn from all of negativity, and in turn sacrificing positivity.

"Why did I stay?"

"Because, I said you should."

"And why would you go and say that?"

"And why wouldn't I go and say that? Stay a little longer. I promised I'd show you the Zodiacs one day, didn't I?"

He's trying his best, sometimes falling, but getting back up twice as strong. He's smiling, he's radiant, he's blinding, and he's _alive_ , shimmering like the stars in the sky he's learned to differentiate between seamlessly. He's faces the days head on, unwavering and determined. He's kept his head up, stumbling forward into the dark only to find a light source to follow.

"Hey. Remember that time in high school you lifted me to my feet even though I wanted to hit the ground?"

"Of course."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me, idiot. The best thank you I could've ever gotten for doing that is right here, by my side.

"I love you so much.

"I'm so glad you decided to stay."

"..Me too."


End file.
